I've really come to the point,

where, i have to blast musics,

to make myself forget that i'm still in this world,

and not some kind of lala land.

I used to be able to freestyle, in the dark, DARK. When i've a lot of emotions, to pour it out. But, i still prefer screaming loud! No one brought me, to that kind of place, yet. I hope you'll bring me there. 

Now, i can't freestyle. I don't know how to pour them out. Crying is not enough. I can't freestyle. Anymore. I can't talk to my friends, they might not understand. Because, from last year july- dec, it's as if it's 90 percent of my life. The people i know there, even though it's just 6 months. 6 months.. I feel so attached to them.. All of them, even Yi Wei. ALL of them, understand me more than almost everybody in my life, of course, except for some. I'm always very open to them. When i look at them, i can cry. Without a reason. Just let it flow. But in school, friends will ask me why, but if i say, no reason, will they actually believe me. And for the past 2 months, i realised i can't freestyle. Anymore. Not even a bit.

I can only cry at night to my turtle soft toy beside me. And look at it's innocent looking face. Or i can just chit chat with my sister, to change my focus. Also, i'll peel the skin on my fingers, and sometimes, it will bleed. But i can't pour it out. Crying used to be better. But now, i need to scream, and DANCE. ( Those who's always asking me why, i peel my skin, now you know.)

There's a song, hit me in my head, heart and me. Not Cathar Rythm. Not dear you. Everytime We Touch. When i listen to this song, and close my eyes, i see a image of 4 girls. 4 girls. Maybe 3 girls and 1 women. One of the girls, is me.Guiding me how to freestyle. In the dark. With UV light. And when i did freestyle, we on the light, all of you were so happy, for me. And cried.

When i failed, this particular person, hugged me from behind, and say, it's ohkay, Chanel. One day, one find day, you'll be standing on this spot, freestyling for us. With confidence.

The other one said, Piggy, i'm sure you'll make us proud of you. Freestyling here for us. And you just need the feel, and you can win her in dance. 

The other one said, Chanel. Look at me. I believe in you. You won't let us down. You just have to feel.

You might forget what you said to me. On the dance floor. That day. And all of you told me your story. But i remember, deep inside. 

Whenever replaying this song, i feel.. Warmth, secure, at the same time. PAIN. Sharp pain. But, the memories, are the important ones.

Natsy, maybe it's really my fault. I'm sorry kay. Maybe i care about Han's feeling too much. And neglected yours. But i was really neutral....

Rachel, thank you.