4 things to talk about today.
1) Relationships.
Hoping. Wishing. Praying.
Holding on. Trying.
All for a miracle.
I know nothing will really happen, not becuz of the generation gap between us. It's just simply becuz i'm too young. 14. And 17. I wish i met you when i'm 16. And something might really happen between us. Right person, wrong time. Right time, wrong person. Yeah? But this won't be the reason for me to give up. It's too stupid for me to count it as a reason. I can wait, till next year? Or the year after. Since i waited for a year plus already. My feelings for you from last year till now.
Admire > Started going crazy over you > Crush > Keep talking about you > Like > Confusion about how i really feel > Finally sort it out > Love
I can only hope by that time, when i'm not too young for you. You are still single and we're still contacting.
You told me you're going to find a girlfriend after o's. And i know that person will never be me. Do you have any idea how lost am i? You constantly reminding me that we are only friends. Each time, i wanted to give up. But always thinking, why did i hold on for so long. And after holding on for so long, i want to give up? Then i really have lost myself. I'm that kind of person, who will not give up easily.
I only had one relationship. And it was a painful one. I met this guy when im 11. We were together for almost a year. Then he realized that he actually fall for my junior. He broke up with me. I was really lost at that time. And i quarreled with Cherrie and Amanda. After 2 or 3 months, immediately after i knew he was single, i asked for a patch, he didn't reject. He agreed. I know clearly that he don't really like me at all. Maybe he was just bored. But i didn't care, being together with him was all i wanted. This continued for very long, together, then break. During the period when we were preparing for PSLE, he became very sweet. I really thought he liked me. But just before the day for my english paper, he broke up with me and say that he need to concentrate for his paper, we will get back together when we finished his paper. He celebrated both my 11th and 12th birthday with me. Went to iceskate at entertainment centre at Jurong. On my 12th birthday, you came over to my house. For both birthdays, he didn't gave me my present himself. He either give it to Cherrie, or left it on my table. I clearly remember, we didn't even hold hands. The only time when we had body contact was on my 12th birthday. We were playing heart attack. Primary school puppy love? I remember for his birthday, i saved up my pocket money for afew weeks, then buy him 20 of his favourite pens, and a couple pencil case. Ohhweellll. I didn't really forget him even until secondary one. But it all faded just a few weeks before i met. Him.
I'm waiting for that day when you say, 'I like you, can we be together' I told you that i dreamt of you before right? It was really a weird one. Drama club was in BM school hall, rehearsing some stuffs, i only remember Natasha, Celeftine, Adam, Qifen, Atika, Moniykka and I were at the stage. And you were standing at a corner of the hall, somehow waiting for one of us. I saw you, and thought that you were waiting for celeftine, so i didn't really care. But i was feeling really jealous. When it ended, all of them left, and i was helping MsNora to pack up, you were still there standing and waiting. It suddenly was raining heavily, so i can't walk by the front gate, have no choice but to take bus home from the backgate. You followed me all the way to backgate, went on the same bus as me. Sat with me. And the first question you asked me was 'Are you tired? This bus ride will be long. Why don't you sleep first?" *pushing my head towards your shoulder. I reached home around 8pm that night. My mummy asked why did i reach home that late as usual and stuffs. It seemed so real.
The second night, i dreamt of the same thing. Exactly the same thing. Just that this time is clearer. Like Qifen telling me he is waiting for me, feeling happy for me and stuffs. Just like how we behave in real life.
You ask me what did i dream about, i didn't tell you. I was afraid you will say 'You must always remember we are just friends kay?'
'It's just a dream, i hope you understand'
'It is not the generation gap, age doesn't matter, the problem is you are too young'
The underlined ones are the words that you told me before. I was really scared. So i didn't want to tell you when you asked what was my dream. Maybe we are really meant to be friends. But i really hope otherwise. Polarbear..... Iloveyou?
2) Friendships.
I always envy people, whose friendships are strong. Not saying ours is weak. But we often have quarrels and conflicts. We will drift a lot during the holidays. And sometimes, we will hate certain people and 'kick' them out of our cliques. I'm tired of these. And everytime after that, we will be ohkay with everybody. But too bad. Happiness doesn't last for long. I remember our group is quite big. Vanessa, Wileen, Shermin, Rouying, Debbie, Jingyin, Adam, Fiona, Wendy, Angiela, Bivian and I. But now? Spot the difference. I seriously miss the US at the beginning of the year.
I kind of miss those crazy times with Debbie and Rouying. I don't want to become a hi bye friends with them :(
3)Family-ships.
My relationship with mummy is really bad. Normal conversations with her can lead to big quarrels. I don't know what is happening. But my temper nowadays is bad. Hers too. But i won't let this continue. I promised.
4)Subjects combination.
HAHAHAH OHKAY. This is what that's happening to me sometimes.
So. I got -English
-Mothertongue
-Emath
-ss/Literature
-Bio/Physics
-Pure Chem
-Amath
Got Literature :D I have no idea why our school considers lit under humans. I really hate it. I want pure lit :( I know it's quite impossible for me to cope pure lit ESPECIALLY WITH MY SINGLISH. But.. I like it. :( The reason why i didn't choose history- geography is becuz i failed this 2 subjects from sec 1 all the way till now...
Got pure chem, ain't really happy cuz i'm better at physics! I failed my chem test badly in this year.. One of the test, i scored 9 out of... I think 30? Yeahh. I don't even know the basics. I only know h20. LOL. The school actually offered POA instead of pure science. My mum went to appeal for me, and i was desperate for a pure science cuz i want to go into JC. And pure chem is the only class that got vacancies. No point getting sad and whining. Just gonna prepare for next year cuz it will be a tough tough year!
Nowadays sleeping really late, waiting for him to sleep always. I'm becoming a late bird nowadays, waking up at 12. HAHAH. But i think he is more like a pig than a Polarbear! He can sleep for 15 hours Y'KNOW. Cute right. ♥
And I'm going to watch Breaking Dawn tomorrow with Yuting and Him! Yay! But, friends only.